As I speak to you this evening

Not sure what to write at the moment. Head slightly fuzzy. But want to write something. Sick of staring at terribly bright screen with eyes that complain worse than a chained-up puppy. But want to release little voices that scratch and claw at my skull.
It's your typical Catch-22.

Anyone got any ideas??

Slipped on a Banana Peel

Man alive, the wedding has come and gone and we're all back to our somewhat exhausted selves. I slept solidly last night (not liquidly) and I still feel like death. I think the best part was meeting all the new people. I LOVE new people. I don't love people who I've already met and then they change into other people I don't know, cos that's just weird, and people should only be people, not masks.

But there were some very genuine, fantastic people that are attached to my new stepfather and hence now me, and I'm quite glad of that fact. I think EVERYONE should get married just for the social consequences. You see how people behave in so many conditions. You get to know the true essence of people, you see their core, because of the huge variety of different social environments we're all smooshed into and it's too much to think about how you should react, you just do. Because it's a lot more of behaving rather than speaking, it's very easy to see people. Which is kind of ironic, someone else might say the complete opposite- that a wedding is where everyone stands around plastered with smiles and well wishes and it's a chance to forget who they are and think about someone else for a change, but in my experience, it's not that way. Well it is, but it's not. I'm not sounding very coherent anymore and hardly anybody understands me when I do, so mayhap I should wrap it up in paper and call it a cheeseburger.

It's... Tuesday afternoon and I am STILL wiped out.

I just found a bug in my wine, and then it died.

It drowned in the grapes and was then preserved in the alcohol. Death by cheap grog!! Luckily, it was not large, so the death would have been quick. I fished it out and flicked it away. Survival of the biggest.

What do you think?? Recently, I have been defamed. De-famed, wrongly framed, mis-named and badly blamed. Has it happened once?? Oh no, my friend. TWICE.
I can prove to myself that I am weak as I power through a bottle of ten dollar vino, feel the acid rise in my throat and the regret rise in my head, repeating to myself the same old mantra: "you are ridiculous. Don't do this again. Careful you don't get a horrible habit. Don't do this again". I know full well I will do this again. I also know that it means I'm easily swayed by my own arguments and possibly by others', too (alright, so I'm very impressionable. Take me for granted, why don't you). I know I'm a disappointment to many and that most of my actions prove to be my undoing. However.....

ON MY OWN HEAD SO BE IT.

What gives anyone the right to take me and make me into a scapegoat?? This goat will not scape for anyone but herself or someone of her own appointment, thank you very much and don't trip over the cat on your way out.
It's entirely possible that I'm stupid; I am constantly surprised when life (i.e. other people) turns around and slaps me in the face while I'm looking for the pretty bird it pointed out to me. Then I'm so shocked, because it hurt; and confused, because I want to know if there really WAS a pretty bird; and annoyed, because I really wanted to see that bird, and if there is no bird, then I got excited for nothing, and Life has now run away laughing its head off and I can't ask it the truth.
So I'm left there holding my cheek with an exclamation kinda half flopped out of my mouth, having never had the energy to propel itself all the way to completion.
"Wha...tttt...????"

This happens EVERY TIME. And I still never see it coming, do not realise what's happening at the time, and cough pathetically when it leaves me in its dust!!
When life gives me lemons, I say "Yay lemons!! I love lemon smell!" and sit there smelling their skin while the acid slowly burns through my soul.

These people are bad people. They destroy me with their lies and harassments, when I did not ask for it.

Why??
I don't know... do you??

Are you really that pure, sir??
Thought I saw you in Vegas....
it wasn't pretty
but she was
(not your wife)

but she will wake up wealthy
and you will wake up 45
and she will wake up with baby

there but for the grace of God go I

what am I fighting for
the cops are at my front door
I can't escape that way, the windows are in flames

but I still do believe
and I will rise up with fists
and I will take what's mine, mine, mine

there but for the grace of God go I

- Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins, "Rise Up with Fists"